Silent scream

I have some new rules of engagement I would like people to start applying during any time spent with me. This applies to all of the following social events but is definitely not limited to them. If you are hanging out with me at the bar, the concert, my bedroom, the restaurant, the car ride to the abortion clinic, the trunk of my car, the hotel room, the whore house, bible study, the woods, my basement wall, the movies, on a boat, skiing, the dumpster behind the bar, anger management class, basket weaving class, your house, your bedroom or at work. Please try to abide by the following.

#1 and the most important – If there is a Kerry King guitar solo coming from the stereo, the juke box or the stage. Do not under any circumstances talk or even look at me like you want to say something.

#2 - If you decide that you are more important than a Kerry King guitar solo and decide to talk anyway…please do me a favor and spare my clothing and hands from having to be covered in your blood and cut your own tongue out for me. This would at least restore a miniscule piece of your honor.

#3 – If you think Kerry King is done blowing my mind and you think I am still interested in following that up with whatever you want to say, please reach in your purse for your bottle of Ritalin and be patient because I can almost guarantee you that his solo will be followed by a Jeff Hanneman solo. Listen closely! It is also VERY important that you do not speak during this either.

#4 - To make certain that rules #1, 2 and 3 cannot accidentally be broken, it would be in your best interest to just wait for silence and there for guarantee that I don’t miss any part of the audible copulation that is a Slayer song.

#5 – Now that the air has been completely cleansed of all of the unimportant drivel that preceded this enlightening experience and there is absolute certainty that we have reached complete silence (that you have been waiting on for reasons that are beyond my comprehension), please be sure to not ruin the moment by saying anything other than “Wow! Did you fucking hear that?!”

#6 – Never make mention of the show Sex in the City.

#7 – If you want to refill me glass of whiskey silently at any point during #1 through #5, this is acceptable.

Thank you ahead of time for your cooperation.