Fuck being wingman

I think the only type of wingman I will ever again be is the "bad cop" when performing the "good cop / bad cop" method of getting a friend laid. That is worth it because it is one of the few times when I can publicly let my true colors fly. I can openly let her know that I thought she was hot until she turned around and I saw her fat armpits, lopsided boobs, that her fake tanner truely makes her look orange, and although she is not an acutal whore she was definately wearing a whore's uniform. Then I can proceed to let her know that i would still let her suck my dick if we went to do it right now. Finally, my friend, playing the part of a good hearted stranger, can then tell me to fuck off and leave her alone. Some pushing, a fake punch, and HURRAY! My friend gets laid.

The other night, after witnessing a friend get cockblocked by some chick's fat friend, I tried to help. He was already committed to talking to this girl, but he made the mistake of acknowledging that he knew me... bastard. So much for the little fun i get from being a wingman. Now i would like to clarify somethings:

To the girl i was talking to at the bar the other night:

1. You're fat
2. You're ugly
3. My friend was trying to get laid
4. He has not been laid in a while
5. Your friend was kinda of cute
6. In looking back, I am sure she really wasn't that cute other than the fact that she looked better when standing next to you as a reference.
7. I was playing wing man to prevent you from being a cockblock
8. I was very drunk
9. You were still fat and ugly
10. I didn't ask for your number because I didn't want it (reference points 1, 2, and 9 above)
11. I wouldn't let you touch my phone because you would type in your number, and since I am sure you were one of those people who believes your nauseating excessive obesity is a "disease," I really don't care to contract what ever fat/ugly sickness you have from my phone just in case there is an actual remote chance your ample gravitationl pull its not related to the crap food you eat without exorcising.
12. I gave you my number so I wouldn't make my friend look like a dick for having a dick friend.
13. Yes the number I gave you was wrong. That was intentional. That is why I wrote it on a piece of paper, so in case you called it right away to give me your number, your friend wouldn't know I was an actual asshole wingman until after my friend did horrible things to your friend's rectum.
14. Given the circumstances, you shouln't try and find me on facebook. I did not aprove you as a "freind" and blocked you from any communication because... well... it should be obvious to any person with a below average IQ.
15. Once blocked on facebook, don't try and find me on myspace either asking if I wanted to see you again. Again, I blocked you from any communication
16. I have added you on my hatespace page.