It Tastes Like Get The Fuck Off The Stage

The last 48 hours have been a painful wash of highs and lows. I love to see people graduate and move onto bigger and better things. Especially if they've struggled more than the status quo bound morons we tend to compare ourselves with. I'm a sucker for success after horror. It sounds cheap but plays better in the long run, and that's all that matters.

I digress. I tend to.

Meh.

Fuck you, Mandy. I just watched my daughter gracefully accomplish the dances we pay you to teach her - all while she noticed her sucker-eyed father taking her picture in the front row with a tear in his eye. She managed to smile, wave at me while jumping up and down and the entire auditorium laughed at her cute antics.

I waved back. Life was good.

Then, Mandy, you talked.

Every fucking gawd-awful frequency that came from those speakers erupted into my ears like my cum after a 3 egg omelette. Even my 2 year old son covered his ears. Do us a favor. Don't ever pick up a microphone and speak. Your voice is annoying enough without 1000 watts of amplification piercing my kids' eardrums.

Next in line is the college graduating class of 2009. Thanks for watering down what was a struggle for the previous 16,054,572 generations. It's time to move on from feeling special about it. After listening to the president's speech last night and combining that with ASU's marketing plan it's safe to say that a college education is what a high school diploma was 50 years ago: normal. So sitting through an hour of hearing every graduate's name called out is not special anymore. You got your name in a book. So did I. There's bigger and better things to worry about than your sense of entitlement. I felt guilty when I got my degree, because I was lucky. Not because I was deserving or special. Get in line.

Being an adult today means realizing how lucky you have it. If you weren't lucky and made it, more power to you & good luck. But for the majority of you college grads: piss off. You haven't earned my respect enough to even hear your name.

Congrats, kids & grads. Welcome to hell.