D's bucket list

I was so inspired by that movie The Bucket List that I decided to get started on my own. I have a feeling that this is going to take some time to complete but here is the first several agendas that came to mind.

1. Grab a photo radar van operator by his throat, drag him out of the van window, beat the shit out of him and light him on fire.

2. Catch a meter maid giving me a ticket, knock him/her out, tie him/her to the meter, shove the ticket up their ass and piss on his/her face.

3. Shit, sneeze and cum at the same time.

4. Follow the jock asshole that was just tailgating me in his Grand Jeep Cherokee complete with CU Buffs bumper sticker and obnoxious Dave Mathew’s racket blasting from his stereo and shoot him right in the face. No questions, no second chances, he failed and doesn’t deserve to live.

5. Lock the Pope in a room with an AIDS ridden Jewish nymphomaniac, tell him that this is the part where he plays the role of altar boy for once, give him a condom and see if he uses it or just chooses to continue being an asshole.

6. I am not certain how to penetrate someone with an American flag other than wrapping it around a giant crucifix but once I figure out how to do that with complete efficiency…those Bush twins are going to have some sore rectums. We’ll see if Papa George is so quick to be a flag waving, bible ranting jackass after that event.

7. Hog tie Barbara Streisand to the ceiling of a grocery store; force her to listen to her own music and then charge everyone 10 dollars to throw the food product of their choice at her.

8. Make fuck with the girl from the television show extreme 4x4. Yes, I know she is kind of boyish and I seem to be the only one I know who finds her attractive…I don’t care. The bitch can weld and that is fucking hot, deal with it!

9. Lay a tarp out on my front lawn, strip down to nothing but a diaper, use my hands to eat a giant birthday cake that is topped with a number 1 candle and make assorted baby noises and grunts at all of various shit bag couples, joggers and bicyclist that perpetually wonder past my house.

10. Bake Jesus tear cookies, lace them with laxatives and sell them at the church bake sale.

11. Place “out of order" signs on all of the bathrooms at the church bake sale.