Princess of the asphalt heifers

About a week ago I left the Barnes and Noble book store which shares a parking lot with Whole foods. This is when I was met with a delightful sight. Though it sounds absurd I can assure you that I saw this beautiful occurrence at the very back of the parking lot where I went to retrieve my car. A young girl probably around the age of seven with her picturesque yuppie parents returning from their overpriced escapades at the Whole Foods Market. The girl was all dolled up in a princess outfit complete with a tiara and pink dress adorned with lace and speckled with sequins. All at once the spectacle began, out of nowhere she began projectile vomiting wave after wave of a cotton candy pink substance that was about the thickness of a milk shake. I thought to myself, how perfect, this girl had the princess thing down so well that she even barfed pink. That kid is going to be good at whatever she puts her mind towards, those parents must be proud. Anyway, this got me to thinking about parking lots. I often park my car at the very back end of the parking lot because I am well versed in the manners of fat lazy people whom endlessly disrespect other people’s property. They drive around incessantly waiting to find the closest spot to their destination in an effort to be spared from the minimal but oddly enough much needed exercise that would occur if they were forced to walk all the way from the back end of the lot. They spend so much time driving around in search of the nearest spot to become vacant, that they could have walked the entire span of the parking lot three times over had they just parked on the far reaches of the grid. Then, because of the fact that they have become so obese that their own muscles cannot lift their blubbery body mass, they are forced to swing their car door open as wide as possible without regard for the vehicles next to them in turn denting doors and scratching paint all so they can use the arm rest of the door to steady themselves for lift off from the comforts of their car seat, obliviously leaving a wake of destruction behind them only to achieve fewer paces to the food dispensary so that they may buy more vittles to shove into their cavernous feed holes. It is always in the news how America has become plagued with portliness so why not bring about some legislation to curb this epidemic starting with a fresh law for the parking lot. We can go ahead and let the handicap keep their spots in the front so long as we stop giving fatlings disability and or the chance to be considered handicapped. Then the next several rows back will be given to persons whom weigh in at 200 lbs or less, the next set of rows to follow would be reserved 250 lbs or less and continue down the lot in this manner. Lest saving us all from the auto body shop and needless dings on our doors, at the same time we would be achieving obligatory exercise for these mammoth sloths by actually forcing them to walk a hundred or so feet. We can go ahead and forget about towing these vehicles, as punishment for breaking this parking lot law all offenders would be forced to follow a strict grapefruit/celery diet for a 2 week period. If you disagree with what I am proposing, please come visit the lunch room at my work and try to accomplish the simple task of keeping your lunch down when there are four women sitting next to you that are pushing the structural integrity of their XXXL sweat pants while simultaneously gobbling down some of the most disgusting chow I have ever seen or smelled. I can almost guarantee that you will change your mind.