Soaked from head to toe

Dear soon to be Dad – It’s really fucking fascinating that you found such incredible deals on baby garments for your soon to be born child. I know, you can’t believe it, it’s amazing and it’s one of the great supernatural wonders of the world that you were able to find baby clothes on sale. Congratulations! You know what else should fill you with complete bewilderment? The fact that I REALLY do not give a flying fuck about this topic or any other topic concerning your soon to be born kid and just so you know I will probably care less once it’s born, so just stop.

Dear hippie bum asshole – I stay awake at night wondering how I’m going to pay for my next day and I actually get up and go to work every day. So when I say I can’t spare a cigarette or any change, don’t look at me like I just threw shit on you. You are shit so I don’t need to cover you in it, you have no self respect and you are a plague to society who contributes nothing to this world whatsoever. Please just die.

Dear asshole pop driven fake rock radio shit bag money hungry band – Stop covering songs that where already huge 15 to 20 years ago. If you are going to insist on doing this you should at bare minimum change the song around in such a grotesque manner that I don’t recognize it. Otherwise you are a tool. What is wrong with covering lesser known songs? By the way, covering George Michael’s Careless Whispers is not cute or funny. As a matter of fact, it is an insult. That was a beautiful song about someone who doesn’t feel like dancing anymore because he has guilty feet and it was never intended to be covered by some flavor of the month shit bag Fallout Boy or Blink 182 type drivel spewing band. I hope George Michael shoves his guilty feet up your ass and then chokes you to death with his semen in a public restroom.

Dear girl who got a tattoo of the Volcom diamond – That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Good work!

Lastly I would like to touch on a new term I just became privy to. This hasn't been verified yet, but I love it anyway and don't care if it's true or not. I also don’t know how long I’ve been in the dark on this one but I usually take a huge interest in the antics of Mormons. Somehow this one slipped past me until this weekend when a wonderful friend of mine filled me in. The term is “Soaking”. This is supposedly what Mormon kids have taken to as a loophole to get them around pre-marital sex guilt. They believe that the sin occurs when the in and out action is performed repeatedly. So if you just stick it in and then don’t move you are not committing true pre-marital sex because you are just “soaking”. I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking. You still have to go in once and out once, so why not just soak 50 times in a minute? Silly Mormons…I can just hear the smooth talk now…

Girl “Why are you trying to take off my magic underwear”

Guy “Oh, come on girl it’s not like I’m going to fuck you, I just want to soak.”

Girl “I don’t know Jeb, Mom told me to never let anyone into my Tabernacle until I was married.”

Guy “Go ahead just try and find the passage where Joseph Smith says thou shall not soak, he never mentions it, it’s totally fine.”

Girl “Yeah, I guess you’re right Jeb, soak the hell out of me!”

Gut "Oh yeah! I'm going to soak you so good! I'm going to soak you till I get pruned"

Mormons...if they were a part of the color spectrum they would be pastel.