Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tender feelings
Sometimes you just can’t win. I was completely capable of driving last night, I am even saying that now in the day light hours so it was not a poor judgment thing…anyway, my friend was pretty sauced up and was convinced that I was not good to drive. This is the point where I got repeatedly bludgeoned with one of those hammers that you use to tenderize meat with until I gave in and turned my car keys over. Well fuck, what’s a man to do at this point? That’s right; he kills the pain with several consecutive shots of whiskey. Now I have a wicked hang over and the sting is twice as bad because several areas of my body are covered with bruises all because I was trying NOT to drink too much. The moral of this story…don’t ever attempt to take it easy and be responsible so that you can drive home. It is a giant waste of time and you are going to wake up feeling twice as shitty anyway so you should never plan on being a pussy for a night. God will hate you and so will your friends.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Hamburger Face
No more trying to play cool on my bike after I've had a few. Went over the handle bars and broke the fall with my face. Knocked myself completely unconscious in the middle of the street. An ambulance came. I think my pride hurts the most.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
it's the final countdown
i'm doing purge of authors on this blog.
so here's the deal: today is (almost) august 21st. if you haven't posted by september 13th, you will be removed as an author from this hatred revolution. and then i'm going to start signing your name to every homophobic, racist, sexist thing i can think of.
for example...
"posted by p__ _rm____ng - i hate all minorities. even the ones who mow my giant yard. i always hope you will fall in my pool and drown so i can laugh instead of save you. i love fox news and secretly beat off to gretta van sustren. and i sucked bill o's dick back in college. my email address and cell phone number are ____________________."
cheers assholes.
so here's the deal: today is (almost) august 21st. if you haven't posted by september 13th, you will be removed as an author from this hatred revolution. and then i'm going to start signing your name to every homophobic, racist, sexist thing i can think of.
for example...
"posted by p__ _rm____ng - i hate all minorities. even the ones who mow my giant yard. i always hope you will fall in my pool and drown so i can laugh instead of save you. i love fox news and secretly beat off to gretta van sustren. and i sucked bill o's dick back in college. my email address and cell phone number are ____________________."
cheers assholes.
Right now...
42,000 thousand couples are breaking up... 1500 people are gaying off on twitter....
Have you seen this fucking Sprint commercial? there is no factual basis for these lies. you know what i want to hear? "right now everyone who signed up for sprint since these commercials started to run just got a metal spike shoved into their skull right out of their faggot ass cell phone because you'd have to be retarded to sign up for that shit. at least my company has catherine zeta jones.
Have you seen this fucking Sprint commercial? there is no factual basis for these lies. you know what i want to hear? "right now everyone who signed up for sprint since these commercials started to run just got a metal spike shoved into their skull right out of their faggot ass cell phone because you'd have to be retarded to sign up for that shit. at least my company has catherine zeta jones.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Soaked from head to toe
Dear soon to be Dad – It’s really fucking fascinating that you found such incredible deals on baby garments for your soon to be born child. I know, you can’t believe it, it’s amazing and it’s one of the great supernatural wonders of the world that you were able to find baby clothes on sale. Congratulations! You know what else should fill you with complete bewilderment? The fact that I REALLY do not give a flying fuck about this topic or any other topic concerning your soon to be born kid and just so you know I will probably care less once it’s born, so just stop.
Dear hippie bum asshole – I stay awake at night wondering how I’m going to pay for my next day and I actually get up and go to work every day. So when I say I can’t spare a cigarette or any change, don’t look at me like I just threw shit on you. You are shit so I don’t need to cover you in it, you have no self respect and you are a plague to society who contributes nothing to this world whatsoever. Please just die.
Dear asshole pop driven fake rock radio shit bag money hungry band – Stop covering songs that where already huge 15 to 20 years ago. If you are going to insist on doing this you should at bare minimum change the song around in such a grotesque manner that I don’t recognize it. Otherwise you are a tool. What is wrong with covering lesser known songs? By the way, covering George Michael’s Careless Whispers is not cute or funny. As a matter of fact, it is an insult. That was a beautiful song about someone who doesn’t feel like dancing anymore because he has guilty feet and it was never intended to be covered by some flavor of the month shit bag Fallout Boy or Blink 182 type drivel spewing band. I hope George Michael shoves his guilty feet up your ass and then chokes you to death with his semen in a public restroom.
Dear girl who got a tattoo of the Volcom diamond – That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Good work!
Lastly I would like to touch on a new term I just became privy to. This hasn't been verified yet, but I love it anyway and don't care if it's true or not. I also don’t know how long I’ve been in the dark on this one but I usually take a huge interest in the antics of Mormons. Somehow this one slipped past me until this weekend when a wonderful friend of mine filled me in. The term is “Soaking”. This is supposedly what Mormon kids have taken to as a loophole to get them around pre-marital sex guilt. They believe that the sin occurs when the in and out action is performed repeatedly. So if you just stick it in and then don’t move you are not committing true pre-marital sex because you are just “soaking”. I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking. You still have to go in once and out once, so why not just soak 50 times in a minute? Silly Mormons…I can just hear the smooth talk now…
Girl “Why are you trying to take off my magic underwear”
Guy “Oh, come on girl it’s not like I’m going to fuck you, I just want to soak.”
Girl “I don’t know Jeb, Mom told me to never let anyone into my Tabernacle until I was married.”
Guy “Go ahead just try and find the passage where Joseph Smith says thou shall not soak, he never mentions it, it’s totally fine.”
Girl “Yeah, I guess you’re right Jeb, soak the hell out of me!”
Gut "Oh yeah! I'm going to soak you so good! I'm going to soak you till I get pruned"
Mormons...if they were a part of the color spectrum they would be pastel.
Dear hippie bum asshole – I stay awake at night wondering how I’m going to pay for my next day and I actually get up and go to work every day. So when I say I can’t spare a cigarette or any change, don’t look at me like I just threw shit on you. You are shit so I don’t need to cover you in it, you have no self respect and you are a plague to society who contributes nothing to this world whatsoever. Please just die.
Dear asshole pop driven fake rock radio shit bag money hungry band – Stop covering songs that where already huge 15 to 20 years ago. If you are going to insist on doing this you should at bare minimum change the song around in such a grotesque manner that I don’t recognize it. Otherwise you are a tool. What is wrong with covering lesser known songs? By the way, covering George Michael’s Careless Whispers is not cute or funny. As a matter of fact, it is an insult. That was a beautiful song about someone who doesn’t feel like dancing anymore because he has guilty feet and it was never intended to be covered by some flavor of the month shit bag Fallout Boy or Blink 182 type drivel spewing band. I hope George Michael shoves his guilty feet up your ass and then chokes you to death with his semen in a public restroom.
Dear girl who got a tattoo of the Volcom diamond – That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Good work!
Lastly I would like to touch on a new term I just became privy to. This hasn't been verified yet, but I love it anyway and don't care if it's true or not. I also don’t know how long I’ve been in the dark on this one but I usually take a huge interest in the antics of Mormons. Somehow this one slipped past me until this weekend when a wonderful friend of mine filled me in. The term is “Soaking”. This is supposedly what Mormon kids have taken to as a loophole to get them around pre-marital sex guilt. They believe that the sin occurs when the in and out action is performed repeatedly. So if you just stick it in and then don’t move you are not committing true pre-marital sex because you are just “soaking”. I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking. You still have to go in once and out once, so why not just soak 50 times in a minute? Silly Mormons…I can just hear the smooth talk now…
Girl “Why are you trying to take off my magic underwear”
Guy “Oh, come on girl it’s not like I’m going to fuck you, I just want to soak.”
Girl “I don’t know Jeb, Mom told me to never let anyone into my Tabernacle until I was married.”
Guy “Go ahead just try and find the passage where Joseph Smith says thou shall not soak, he never mentions it, it’s totally fine.”
Girl “Yeah, I guess you’re right Jeb, soak the hell out of me!”
Gut "Oh yeah! I'm going to soak you so good! I'm going to soak you till I get pruned"
Mormons...if they were a part of the color spectrum they would be pastel.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Bang over
I must have had a great time at the Judas Priest concert last night because my goddamn neck is killing me. Always a good sign.
Another sign of a quality rocking time is the fact that I am still unable to locate my swimsuit top or my shirt from the pool party on Saturday. I assume I must have taken it off sometime after getting pegged in the chest with a watermelon. I just hope my upper covering went missing after the police showed up at 7:30.
Another sign of a quality rocking time is the fact that I am still unable to locate my swimsuit top or my shirt from the pool party on Saturday. I assume I must have taken it off sometime after getting pegged in the chest with a watermelon. I just hope my upper covering went missing after the police showed up at 7:30.
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