Bodhi: [getting ready for their next robbery] 90 seconds Johnny. That's all I ask for, just 90 seconds of your life Johnny, that's it. This is our tatic, is we strike fear. Once you get them peeing down ther leg, they submit. Also about fear, fear causes hasitation, and hesitation, causes your worst fears to come true.
[hands Johnny a shot gun]
Johnny Utah: I can't do this.
Bodhi: Yes you can, who knows, you might like it.
Johnny Utah: Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!
Bodhi: Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it's master?
Grommet: Fuckin' a!
Nathanial: I love this job.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Legalize it! No, not weed...killing hippies of course.
Dear fuck stick concert promoter - why on earth would you put Tool and The Black Keys on the same bill as Widespread Panic?! This is fucking retarded! So, I got a free ticket to see Tool and I guess I shouldn’t complain too much as this venture didn’t cost me anything…but what the fuck? Enjoying Tool and The Black Keys should be a fairly simple process that should use little or no energy to accomplish. Agreed? Well, throw in a few thousand stinky hippies into the mix and all of the sudden I am consumed with wrath. Moments after my arrival I was literally scouring my pockets and my surroundings for anything that might make due as a murder utensil. Not only did I have to torment my eyes with the sight of these putrid beings but I was forced to endure their noxious odor as well. What’s more, these inconsiderate, Flea ridden walking shit piles came equipped with back packs that were so obtrusive that they should have had to buy another ticket for the space they used up.
Hey Asshole, in case you didn’t notice, you are in a massively over cramped crowd, your smell is so repulsive that my visit to the port-o-potty moments earlier was more pleasant than it is to stand next to you & I swear to God if your back pack (house) or your hairy ass girlfriend’s hula hoop gets in my way one more time, I will put on a Hazmat suit and tear every one of your lousy dread locks out of your empty skull and shove them down your throat so I can suffocate you with your own stench! Once I am finished pissing on your corpse, I will feed your remains to your vegan whore, right after I shove her hula hoop up her furry crab trench! Seriously, go die.
Aside from that though, it was a pretty good concert.
Hey Asshole, in case you didn’t notice, you are in a massively over cramped crowd, your smell is so repulsive that my visit to the port-o-potty moments earlier was more pleasant than it is to stand next to you & I swear to God if your back pack (house) or your hairy ass girlfriend’s hula hoop gets in my way one more time, I will put on a Hazmat suit and tear every one of your lousy dread locks out of your empty skull and shove them down your throat so I can suffocate you with your own stench! Once I am finished pissing on your corpse, I will feed your remains to your vegan whore, right after I shove her hula hoop up her furry crab trench! Seriously, go die.
Aside from that though, it was a pretty good concert.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
see, we don't turn evil until AFTER the bar exam
from www.textsfromlastnight.com
(516): Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
(1-516): Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
and the best ever from dontevenreply.com
High-rise Fridge Delivery
Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 | 147 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
Hello,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the fuck up.
(516): Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
(1-516): Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
and the best ever from dontevenreply.com
High-rise Fridge Delivery
Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 | 147 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
Hello,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the fuck up.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Go Death Go!
I hope Billy Mays and Ed McMahon are ass and nose raping Michael Jackson right now. He was a pedophile whose music sucks. Good riddance.
Since Death is taking celebrities left and right, might I make a suggestion: Nancy Grace and Sean Hannity next?
Since Death is taking celebrities left and right, might I make a suggestion: Nancy Grace and Sean Hannity next?
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