Sometimes it feels like every insignificant little task, every conversation, every encounter, is a test of worth. I don't know how to describe it any other way than the proving grounds. Every morning feels like the first day at a job where they're actively looking to fire me.
Instead of having normal interactions with people, uncontested dialogue feels like a free pass or a mulligan. If you're letting me off the hook, you are patronizing me. A deep sense of paranoia is setting in. Everything that is not overly familiar makes me feel like I'm walking into a trap. Or driving five hours into the hornet's nest.
There is no way I can keep this up. I haven't the slightest clue as to what I need to change; what change this will force upon me; or what change will eventually come inspite of my best efforts to resist.
All I can do is promise this won't be pretty. Enjoy the ensuing destruction.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
"Everything that is not overly familiar makes me feel like I'm walking into a trap."
Yea.
The rut of familiarity sets the stage for comfort. When you break out of the rut you have to go on defense to prove you're not just some asshole.
I relish the vision of the day where new experiences and tests become battles in the war I know I can win. Been trying to keep that vision in mind as the tests become more frequent with recent change.
So it goes...
Post a Comment