Lean and mean

no, not me. fat as ever. i mean the authorship. time to get rid of the peanut gallery and keep it limited to those actually capable of saying something that will get me sued into oblivion.

It only burns when I pee

That's what reminded me to return to this ill-fated blog. How have I stayed clear for so long, you ask. Well, being a scum sucking lawyer may have something to do with it. Mostly in that I don't have time to write all those horrible things going through my head. A client today brought their terror of a 'child' with them to my office and it reminded me of an email I got recently. I think it's time we re-instute a sterilization policy. And yes, that's my legal opinion. Send the $400 to my home address. Enjoy:

Anger is so hot right now

I wish I could do angry.

Grrrrrrr. Damn Democrats. Bailing out the auto industry and saving countless jobs. Bastards. And why save the auto industry? It isn't like they are the beacon of American ingenuity. Sure the europeans beat us technologically. But we're 'Merican! Save my neighbors, or me if you can. Just don't ask me to pay for it.

And throw all those bums out of congress. It's not like my government is made up of my peers! That would just be insane. You would need some really smart forefathers to setup a government like that! It's best we put people into government that want nothing to do with it.

Gut our greatest asset, I say! Let's stone the bastards! I mean my peers. I mean me. I mean... wait.

Grrrrrrrrr. Rage. Dirty looks. Glen Becktard.


How did I do?

Thanks for the Crutches

Just wanted to send a throwout to religion and partisan politicians.

Thanks for the pointless genocide and awkward phobias. You guys are really doing a stellar job. Way to solve the world's problems.

Next time I see Joel Osteen and Karl Rove on TV I'll be sure to send them each $20 in hopes they buy a lap dance and we're all lucky enough to have a responsible media person around to send them on their downward spiral.

This is my Christmas Wish.

Collateral Damage

So I says to my kid, I says "Boose? WTF is Boose? Oh...juice. That's fine. Just have some and go away. No. Don't ask me 'why.' You don't want to know. What do you mean 'what? ' Take your juice and go play. Or do a puzzle. Just leave us alone. 'Why?' Cuz I'm trying to stick my dick in your mom's orifice. 'Why?' Cuz that's what I do, and a pretty messed up question considering that's how you came to be. 'Huh?' Yea. Orifice, and I'm not being particular about which one. I really don't care. Fist bump? 'Why?' Cuz I said so. Don't insult your father. I'm in my game."

Kids are so dumb. And so are we.

You know what you know, and I know what I know.

We know what we know.

But we don't know shit.

Of all the things I know and try to learn more about, the more I realize I'm only interested in knowing more about what I know. And it's a real struggle to learn what I don't know. But once I do know, I can learn what I know over and over again, and maybe learn something I didn't know about what I know. Either way, I know only what I know.

And so I know that if you don't spend a lot of time knowing about politics, religion, sex, drugs, business, purpose, and in general the way life works - the more I know you should shut the fuck up, and go fuck yourself.

Cuz the funny thing about humans, is we only know what we know.

So if you don't know, say so. Cuz you don't know.

And leave the knowing about shit you know nothing about to those of us that know enough to give a shit about knowing the things that take more than 10 minutes for you to think about. Cuz we learned how to know. And you didn't.

We both know that.

Just for you D-Rock...

Jackpot!

Love making with a flame thrower 101

Sorry I have been absent from posting lately, I have been extremely busy. Not to worry though, because my hatred has been brimming and seeping from every pore. When it gets this bad and there is an endless supply of dark disgust and fury pumping through my blood stream it becomes very difficult to focus all of this energy onto one subject matter. Where do I start? Well I guess I’ll give it a shot, please forgive me if I jump around a bit.

Dear overly optimistic Dill Rod - Yes you, the guy that nothing can bother. You go to church, you can always “look on the bright side” and “everything happens for a reason”. Well guess what you fucking shit eater? Your sanguine attitude when I am having an especially terrible day is making me want to show you just how mysterious the lord’s work is when I shove a crucifix right up your happy ass! FUCK OFF!

Dear Spawn Factories – Please! For the love of god stop shitting out children! It would be one thing if I thought that these nauseating podlings were going to contribute to society at all. Let’s face it though, I haven’t exactly been running into people that come off as modern day Aleister Crowley’s, Marquis De Sade’s or even a Friedrich Nietzsche’s. No, instead I get some drool bag who probably thinks Applebee’s has great food and can’t wait for the next NASCAR race and probably says things like “Holy crap did you see Jay Leno last night? That guy is fucking hilarious!” This world is going to be more fucked than it already is! Seriously! What do we do to curb this sort of activity? Tax breaks and time off of work. FUCK OFF!

Dear person and or thing that caused La Familia Mexican Restaurant to close down, if I find out who or what you are…I am going to end you! I hate you with all of my black heart and I hope a donkey falls out of the sky and lands on you cock first! FUCK OFF!

A few other quick things that are currently dragging their fingernails down my chalk board.
That retarded stoner comedian Jim Bruer or whatever the fuck he’s called making pizza commercials. The guy or girl who keeps pushing back the release date of the new Slayer album. Gossip with no validity, Men, Women, television, radio, things I can’t afford, Rush (the breathing, talking pile of foreskin) Limbaugh trying to buy a football team, Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson trying to stop Rush Limbaugh from buying a football team, people who try to analyze me on their own & or ask other people about me rather than just asking me, the moron who sat behind me at Zombie Land, losing lottery numbers, hearing “hey Brother”, food poisoning, the nightmare I had last night…my right nut grew to be the size of a watermelon and when it burst assorted vegetables came falling out of my body and I’m not fucking making that up!, pastel colors, my right to assemble being trampled on by stupid permits, city codes and noise ordinances, while we’re at it…environmental police too! All of this stuff can go fuck itself!

“If you are happy and everything is going great, get ready because something shitty is about to happen.” – Ancient Greek philosophy

XOXO Fuckers